Orion Taraban talks about the dangers of being in a relationship where affection is given without being earned.
Dr. Orion Taraban is a licensed psychologist in private practice with a master’s degree and doctorate in clinical psychology from the California School of Professional Psychology. He regularly teaches in psychology departments around San Francisco and is the executive director of StellarGRE, the Bay Area’s only dedicated GRE prep company.
“When a man comes out of the gate with buying flowers and going out of his way, it really does put him in a place of the adorer very easy early and it creates a big gap in that attraction because the fact of the matter is that no one has like earned that yet.”
Dr. Orion discusses the importance of letting people earn affection. He uses the analogy of the adorer and the adored. In this analogy, the adorer is often the one going out of his way to ensure the adored feels loved and appreciated, while the adored is comfortable in the relationship and has to do the bare minimum to maintain it. This often brings about an imbalance in the relationship.
While the adored is often the one with the upper hand in a relationship, this position also puts them at a disadvantage since they do not get to fully explore the emotional experience that comes with the relationship. At the same time, the adorer goes on to have a more intense emotional experience.
“When you’re in the position of the adorer, you get all of these feelings. You get to be with the one that you love, the thought of them makes your heart race, when they don’t text you get worried and you’re anxious, when they do text you’re relieved, when you get to see them you’re really excited and you’re into it. The person who adores gets to have the emotional experience the adored doesn’t.”
Giving people time to earn affection is an excellent way to balance relationship dynamics. Once someone proves that they deserve affection, it means that they are willing to go the extra mile to make the relationship work. This can go a long way in ensuring a balanced power dynamic in any relationship and protecting the emotions of people who are often the givers in relationships. These people often lose the most if or when the relationships end.
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