What is the nice guy syndrome? How do you break the nice guy syndrome? Where can I take the nice guy syndrome test? How do you break the ‘yes’ guy stereotype? What causes nice guy syndrome? Find the answers to these and more Nice Guy syndrome-related questions here.
Hi. My name is Sean Galla. I have been facilitating men’s forums for more than 10 years. Part of my work involves helping men identify, address and shed the nice guy syndrome. I help men shed the Mr. Nice Guy tag to get what they want.
This article is for you if you are still trying to get what you want out of your career, social life, or love life, even after putting your best foot forward.
In this article, I will help you identify whether you suffer from the nice guy syndrome and give you actionable tips on overcoming it.
Table of Contents:
Understanding the nice guy syndrome
A nice guy can be described as a man who does not think he is okay by being himself. Because of conditioning by family and society, a nice guy believes that the only way to be accepted, loved, liked, or have his needs met is by becoming who everyone else wants them to be.
Men suffering from the Mr. Nice Guy syndrome believe they need to hide all the traits they possess that are likely to trigger negative responses from those around them.
The term nice guy is also used to describe a man who thinks he is entitled to a romantic relationship by being nice.
According to Dr Robert Glover, the author of the No More Mr. Nice Guy book, this entitlement forces nice guys to form covert contracts targeting their affection. They often get offended when the recipient of their niceness fails to reciprocate their feelings.
The covert contracts nice guys create often become a road map for their self-worth, which only sometimes results in the nice guy getting what they want. Perceived as without alternatives, the good guy keeps doing the same things, stuck in the same habits even when they are not working for his benefit.
Most nice guys are stuck in the friend zone. They try to overcompensate for their low self-esteem and what they think is the cause of their singlehood with niceness and seeking external validation. This can be their looks, social skills, poor mental health, and other features they deem undesirable in themselves. They use kindness to make up for what they think they lack.
A Nice guy is often considered a nice person and great catch but never finds the right person or go on first dates. A good guy can also be the husband who works hard to please the wife while still in an emotionally and sexually unfulfilling relationship or the reliable friend who is always available to do favors for others and offer advice while ignoring their own needs.
The problem with having the nice guy syndrome
When a man has the nice guy syndrome, they lead an inauthentic life that often makes them frustrated, resentful, and confused. Most times, most nice guys are often bad boys pretending to be nice. A nice guy is often:
- Narcissistic and self-centered.
Common patterns synonymous with the nice guy syndrome include the giving-to-get mentality, not setting boundaries or inability to set healthy boundaries, people-pleasing, caretaking, fixing, co-creating unsatisfactory relationships, and avoiding conflict. Nice guys also have issues with their sexuality, compulsive masturbation, and pornography.
Most people do not even know they are in contact with a nice guy because these men often appear charming, shy, sweet and unlucky in their love life. These are usually red flags hidden in a good guy persona.
Nice guy syndrome Test – Causes
According to Dr. Glover, most nice guys share a typical pattern regarding their upbringing and societal exposure.
Men not well connected to their fathers often develop the nice guy syndrome. Sometimes, fathers are absent emotionally and physically because they, too, suffer from the nice guy syndrome. This stops them from being masculine role models for their sons. Without a strong male presence when growing up, they end up in the company of strong female personalities.
In the company of their mothers, female teachers, and sisters, men become conformable treating women as their role models. While boys need a female presence in their lives, being surrounded by strong male role models is more important.
Without relevant male figures, men spend their formative ages learning to connect with women. While this is not necessarily bad, it combines with the lack of masculine energy, turning men into nice guys. This imbalance of masculine and feminine energy leaves men in a cycle of seeking validation from everywhere else instead of self-validating. This is how the nice guy syndrome is nurtured.
Am I a Nice Guy? – the Nice Guy Syndrome test
While there are a lot of nice guy quizzes online that cite to help you know whether you are a nice guy, you can also determine if you are one by simply checking off this checklist.
According to experts, checking off 5 or more signs of nice guy syndrome on this list means that you are what most people would consider a nice guy.
- You often end up in the “friend zone.”
- You frequently complain that “nobody wants nice guys anymore.”
- You take rejection too personally
- You hope that a friend would dump their inconsistent partner for you
- You don’t skip a chance to remind everyone how nice you are and of your unwavering respect for women
- You have told a love interest that you can treat them better than their partner
- You think that jerks always get the girl, and you hate them for it
- You think that buying someone a drink entitles you to a nice conversation in return
- You’ve used the phrase, “Nice guys finish last.”
- You make sure to tell everyone that you treat your mom well, just so they know
- You think that if you like someone, you should never give up on them, no matter what
- You complain a lot about not getting people to date you
- ‘I’m not interested” to you means they are playing hard to get
- You think everyone deserves a chance
- You refer to yourself as a “gentleman” on your dating profiles
- Favors to you are a way of getting something in return
- You think being nice is more important than physical attraction and chemistry
- you think you are not the problem, but everyone else is
- You do not know how to set boundaries that are healthy
- You are often told that you come across as clingy or too strong
Ticking most items on this Nice Guy Syndrome test can be scary. However, all is not lost. If you think that you are a nice guy, there are things you can do to overcome the nice guy syndrome.
Nice Guy Syndrome Test- How to Overcome the Nice Guy Syndrome
Read the book and listen to podcasts.
One of the things you need to do to overcome the nice guy syndrome is to read Dr. Robert Glover’s book and listen to his podcasts for self-reflection. This will serve as a revelation about yourself and your life as you realize that you are probably a nice guy.
Reclaim your masculinity
This require you to stand up for yourself and take part in manly physical activities to reclaim your masculine energy. It would help if you spent more time tapping into your masculinity instead of doing the same things you did as a nice guy. This helps to break the cycle.
Stop the ‘give to get’ mentality.
Giving to get means you always have to give up something to get what you want. You must learn to speak up and state your needs without offering something in return. Learn to be selfish and start doing things purely for pleasure or benefit, even in social situations. It is essential to put your needs first to be able to fall in love with yourself and stop being the pushover.
Let others do things for you
To shed off this nice guy person, you need to start asking people to do things for you, too. This can be hard in the beginning. So, consider starting with small things like asking your partner or colleague to grab you a coffee and work your way up.
Stop being a people pleaser
This is one of the most powerful things you can do when healing from the nice guy syndrome. Stop putting the needs of others before your own. Learn to say no to effect change. Start by saying no other people’s needs. This can be to your best friends and family when you do not like doing what they want. Also, do not apologize for saying no to things and people.
Join a support group
You must start surrounding yourself with suitable male role models to shed off the Nice Guy persona. One of the best places to meet these men is in No More Mr. Nice Guy support groups like Mensgroup.com. The right groups should be supportive, built on honesty, non-judgmental, and should be a men-only group.
In a support group, you will learn what it means to stop being a nice guy and how to stop being one without turning into a jerk.
As a group member, you must take part in group activities involving fellow men in the group. This is where you learn to bond with people, helping you create bonds in your personal life.
In every story, the nice guy always ends up as a lonely old man. He loses everything, his relationships and even his nice guy label. The best way to avoid being the nice guy who always finishes last is to shed off the nice guy persona.
Mensgroup.com is a men-only support group that helps men work to become good men without being nice guys. Joining a group is the best way to overcome the nice guy syndrome and live a fulfilling life.