Do you find yourself constantly arguing with your wife? Are you having a communication breakdown in your marriage? Do you want to reignite the spark in your marriage? Are you looking for tips on how to stop arguing with your wife? If you are looking for ideas on improving communication with your wife and reducing arguments, this article is for you.
Hi. My name is Sean Galla. I have been facilitating online support groups, including marriage support groups, for more than 10 years. In my years of work, I have had the pleasure of working with married couples and helping them find their way back to romance and seduction through communication.
If you have been wondering how to enjoy a healthy relationship with your wife and bring healthy communication into your relationship, you have just landed in the right place.
This article has everything you need to know about overcoming relationship communication problems and tips on how to stop arguing with your wife and thrive again as a married couple.
Table of Contents:
Why Couples Argue
Do you find yourself in what seems like a never-ending series of arguments with your wife over small things? Any relationship expert or psychotherapist will tell you that couples fight and have relationship problems. It is a completely natural occurrence in any healthy relationship. According to marriage and family experts, at least 69% of conflicts in marriages are never solved. This means that most couples often repeatedly fight about the same issues without finding a solution.
If you find yourself constantly bickering over the same issues more often than not, and every disagreement turns into a screaming match, stonewalling, or silent treatment, maybe it is time to address the real problem in your marriage.
When issues are left unsolved, they lead to what is commonly referred to as a gridlock, which is a common topic that always comes up when a married couple is fighting and cannot seem to be resolved, and can lead to a break-up and deteriorating mental health.
To understand why you can’t keep the peace in your marriage, it is important first to understand why you are arguing in the first place. Some of the most common reasons couples fight include physical intimacy, finances, housework, free time, extended family, and raising kids.
Most lovers argue when one partner feels that their significant other does not care much about the other’s feelings. While the fight may be about these common issues, the core of it all is usually because of a sense of disconnection and pain.
Most of the time, disconnection in marriage or amongst happy couples occurs because of anxiety and fear in one spouse that causes the affected partner to feel inadequate in the relationship. When a man is confronted with fear and anxiety, the male instinct usually responds by offering protection and support.
However, when the man does not know how to protect or support, they feel like they have failed as a protector. This likely turns into aggression towards the wife or spouse. This aggression can manifest in criticism and the need to control or exhibit superior reasoning. When it does not manifest as aggression, some men will withdraw in frustration. This anger or withdrawal stimulates fear or anxiety in women, making the fight worse.
When couples don’t understand this interactive, unconscious dynamic, they often blame the lack of understanding for poor communication, provoking shame, defensiveness, and anxiety in both parties. The husband and wife start to think that their partner is bad, selfish, or insensitive for not seeing things from their point of view, making their willingness to solve issues futile.
Eventually, these communication issues cause one to give up on the relationship because they fail to understand the emotional mechanism that causes the problems.
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Why You Can’t Seem to Stop Arguing with Your Wife
Use of hyperbolical words such as ‘never’ and ‘always’
Every time you use words such as ‘you always do this’ or ‘you never do this,’ you put your wife on the defensive. When this happens, they stop focusing on what you are saying and instead start thinking of ways to defend themselves or negate the claims you just made. This only escalates the argument and turns it into a blame game competition for who does worse things more.
Using the word ‘you’ instead of ‘I’
Just like never and always, the word ‘you’ automatically sends your significant other into defense mode. It can also be used to excuse emotional abuse when you blame your spouse for something you did by saying ‘you made me……’ this forces your spouse to go into defensive mode and blame-shifting, further making the augment worse. Replacing ‘you’ with ‘I’ is the best way to express your emotions and avoid triggering your spouse.
While one way of resolving conflict is taking a timeout, storming off without an explanation is dismissive and makes your loved one feel like what they are saying is not of value to you. This only makes her feel even more aggravated, which will not help matters later.
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How to Stop Arguing with Your Wife
If you are tired of constantly arguing with your wife, here are some effective ways to stop fighting with your wife.
Don’t become defensive
It is normal for one to become defensive in the heat of the moment. This is because you feel wrongly blamed, wronged, or attacked by your wife. When you become defensive, you take everything your wife says personally, making the argument worse.
The best way to avoid going on the defensive is to evaluate the situation objectively. First, think about what you may have done or said to hurt your wife and work to make it right. You can apologize, fix the issue or ask them how they want you to make it right. Be open to what your wife says and internalize her concerns. This will give you a better understanding of how best to address the issue.
Allow emotions to cool down
When fighting with a loved one, your emotions and thoughts can be clouded or irrational. Fighting while in this mindset only makes the matter worse, and you may end up saying things you don’t mean and even result in name-calling.
When an argument becomes too heated with your wife, it is often advisable to step away and give yourself a timeout to calm down. This will provide you with a better perspective, therefore handling the issue with a clear head.
Find out why you are arguing
Sometimes, an argument is usually just a symptom of a more significant issue. If you are constantly arguing with your wife, especially around the same issues, it is best to find the root cause of the constant arguments. Consider other influences that may be affecting your relationship. This can be anything, including starting a new family, grief, financial issues, a recent move, work pressures, or significant relationships milestones.
Looking past the emotions and finding a broader context to a fight is often an ideal way of getting to the bottom of an issue.
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Choose your words carefully
When couples fight, it often feels like a battle of who will have the last say. In the heat of the moment, the best thing to do before you say words that will start a fight is to take a timeout. Taking time to cool off allows you to come back to a situation with a clear mind, which helps in addressing the issue logically. This minimizes the chances of starting a fight and hurting the person you love in the process.
Show more understanding
There are two sides to every couple’s fight. There is how you see things, and there is how your loved one sees things. It is important to show understanding by seeking to see things from your partner’s point of view. This will prevent you from second-guessing your significant other, which prevents a fight or prolonging an ongoing one.
Consider seeing a couple’s therapist
Seeing a marriage and family therapist is the most common route most men take when they want relationship advice on how to improve their marital relationship.
Couples therapy teaches you how to better understand and relate to each other and yourselves. In therapy, the therapist or marriage counselor acts as a neutral third party who takes a deeper look into your issues. They help to identify the problem areas by looking at issues from your point of view and that of your wife.
A good licensed marriage therapist will give practical steps that you and your wife can follow to improve your relationship. You also learn of healthier ways of working through arguments and disagreements.
Joining a support group for men like MensGroup can also be an ideal solution for you.
If you are looking for an all-male support group online, Men’s Group is the best place to be. This is a safe space where you can talk to fellow men in confidence and privacy about your marriage. Sometimes, talking to fellow married men is all the help you need to spice up your marriage.
In MensGroup, you will meet other men who have experienced relationship issues in their marriages and managed to overcome the challenge and spice up their married life.
Whether you are in New York City or the other end of the continent, you are not alone. MensGroup.com is a free space to share, learn, and grow, even as you make new friends.
It is normal for all couples to argue. However, constant arguments can be tiring and draining. If you are looking for ways to stop arguing with your wife and put in the work to improve your marriage, improve communication, and reduce the fights, this article has all the information you need.
If you need more guidance and support, MensGroup is an online support group for men where you can join fellow married men and get advice on the most important man issues and stop arguing with your wife.
*Sources: 1. Your Brain Works Against You When You Argue With Your Significant Other. Here’s How to Fix That, According to an Expert 2. 5 Steps to End Any Fight 3. How to Argue with Your Partner in a Healthy Way 4. Argue With Your Partner Over Small Things Often? Science Says It’s Good For Your Relationship 5. 7 ways to end an argument with your partner