Are you constantly fighting with your wife? Are you looking for guidance on how to stop fighting with your wife? Do you find it hard to keep the peace in your home? Are you tired of constantly fighting with your wife? Do you want to learn the secret to better communication in your marriage? If you answered yes to any of these questions, this article is for you.
Hi. My name is Sean Galla. I am a facilitator of support groups and support forums for men, with more than 10 years of experience. My job includes facilitating support forums for men, including marriage support forums and communication forums. In these forums, men come together for advice, guidance, and support to better communicate in their marriage and relationships. Learning how to communicate effectively reduces the fights with your wife and keeps the peace at home.
In this article, you will find information about how to stop fighting with your wife and live a more fulfilling married life.
Table of Contents:
The Science of Fighting in Marriages and Relationships
In any marriage or even relationship, arguments and disagreements are common. According to marriage and family experts, at least 69% of conflicts in marriages are never solved. This means that most couples often fight about the same issues repeatedly without finding a solution.
When issues are left unsolved, they lead to what is commonly referred to as a gridlock, which is a common topic that always comes up when a married couple is fighting and cannot seem to be resolved, and can lead to a break-up and deteriorating mental health.
To understand why you can’t keep the peace in your marriage, it is important to understand why you are fighting in the first place. Some of the most common reasons couples fight include money, housework, extended family, physical intimacy, free time, and raising their kids. Most lovers fight when they feel that their significant other does not care much about the other’s feelings. While the fight may be about these common issues, the core of it all is usually because of a sense of disconnection and pain.
Most of the time, disconnection in a marriage or amongst happy couples occurs because of anxiety and fear in one spouse that causes the affected partner to feel inadequate in the relationship. When a man is confronted with the fear and anxiety of their spouse, the male instinct usually responds by offering protection and support.
However, when the man does not know how to protect or support, they feel like they have failed as a protector. This likely turns into aggression towards the wife or spouse. This aggression can manifest in criticism and the need to control or exhibit superior reasoning. When it does not manifest as aggression, some men will withdraw in frustration. This anger or withdrawal stimulates fear or anxiety in women, making the fight worse.
When couples don’t understand this interactive, unconscious dynamic, they often blame the lack of understanding for poor communication, provoking shame, defensiveness, and anxiety in both parties. The husband and wife start to think that their partner is bad, selfish, or insensitive for not seeing things from their point of view, making their willingness to solve issues futile.
Eventually, these communication issues cause one of them to give up on the relationship because they failed to understand the emotional mechanism that causes the problems.
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Why You Can’t Stop Fighting With Your Wife
Generally, fighting with your wife now and then is seen as a sign of care and interest in making a relationship work. According to Elisabeth LaMotte, a psychotherapist and relationship expert, any couple present and invested in the marriage will fight. In fact, a total absence of relationship problems or conflicts is seen as a serious cause for concern in marriage.
Even though fighting may be healthy, constant fighting is not healthy. If you cannot stop fighting with your wife, it can be caused by one of the following common reasons.
Stress about some areas of your life
Every healthy couple works hard to protect the relationship from external stressors. When stress gets the better of you as a husband, it slowly sips through to your relationships, mostly on your wife or partner. If you are suddenly starting to pick fights with your spouse, it is probably due to external stressors that have not been addressed.
Revisiting unfinished fights
Sometimes, the issue causing constant fights is not the current issue you are fighting about. Sometimes, old conversations and unresolved issues may be the reason you cannot stop fighting with your wife. If you find that all your arguments keep circling back to an older issue, you need to ensure you come to the bottom of the unresolved issue and makeup.
Sometimes, spouses can project unresolved personal conflicts in an argument. Not acknowledging these personal conflicts can cause an overreaction in any argument that touches on the internal conflict. Admitting that you have unresolved personal issues can go a long way in ensuring these issues do not control how you react to an argument with your wife next time.
The silent treatment
Refusing to engage or talk to your wife when arguing is one of the most common ways to keep an argument going and make your partner feel unappreciated. The silent treatment is mostly used to control, punish, hurt or manipulate a spouse. To ensure you fight fair and out the fight behind you faster, you need to stop stonewalling your wife and instead open up about the issue you have.
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The attachment style you have is mostly based on how your parents or guardians made you feel when you were growing up. If you find that most of your fights with your wife are about whether or not she loves you, it may be possible that you suffer from attachment anxiety. It is important to take a step back and examine your insecurities to learn whether they stem from your upbringing and have been carried through your relationships.
Learning how to stop fighting with our wife involves learning about your past traumas. By learning about your attachment style, you can take the necessary steps to heal and prevent the issue from causing communication problems with your wife.
Being hypercritical of your wife
Any marriage therapist will tell you that it is almost impossible to experience a healthy relationship if you are constantly criticizing your wife. If you find it hard to get out of the fighting cycle with your wife, you need to examine whether you criticize her too often, making her defensive. If you always start a sentence with ‘you’ and often use absolute words like ‘never’ or ‘always’, then you are probably too critical.
When one spouse is overly critical, all conversations turn into a match where each of you is continually working to prove a point instead of solving the issue at hand.
Growing up in a fighting household
If you grew up in a family where the adults were always fighting and bickering, you have probably modeled your behavior after them. Because of this upbringing, you do not know how to solve a conflict healthily. If you fight more like your parents, you can learn how to stop fighting with your wife by finding healthier ways of solving conflicts.
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Powerful Ways of How to Stop Fighting With Your Wife
If you are tired of constantly fighting with your wife, here are some effective ways of how to stop fighting with your wife.
Avoid becoming defensive
It is normal for one to become defensive in the heat of the moment. This is because you feel blamed, wronged, or attacked by your wife wrongly. When you become defensive, you take everything your wife says personally, making the argument worse.
The best way to avoid going on the defensive is to evaluate the situation objectively. First, think about what you may have done or said to hurt your wife and work to make it right. You can apologize, fix the issue or ask them how they want you to make it right. Be open to what your wife says and internalize her concerns. This will give you a better understanding of how best to address the issue.
Step away to allow the emotions to cool down
When fighting with a loved one, your emotions and thoughts can be clouded or irrational. Fighting while in this mindset only makes the matter worse, and you may end up saying things you don’t mean and even result in name-calling.
When an argument becomes too heated with your wife, it is often advisable to step away and give yourself a timeout to calm down. This will provide you with a better perspective, therefore handling the issue with a clear head.
Find the root cause of the argument
Sometimes, an argument is usually just a symptom of a more significant issue. If you are constantly arguing with your wife, especially around the same issues, it is best to find the root cause of the constant arguments. Consider other influences that may be affecting your relationship. This can be anything, including starting a new family, grief, financial issues, a recent move, work pressures, or significant relationships milestones.
Looking past the emotions and finding a broader context to a fight is often an ideal way of getting to the bottom of an issue.
If the fighting is getting out of hand even after employing helpful tactics of how to stop fighting with your wife, it may be best to consider seeking couples therapy from a marriage therapist. Couples open to therapy learn how to better understand and relate to each other and themselves. In therapy, the therapist or marriage counselor acts as a neutral third party who takes a deeper look into your issues to help identify the problem areas.
A good family therapist will give practical steps that you and your wife can follow to find peace in your marriage. You also learn of healthier ways of working through arguments and disagreements.
It is normal for all couples to fight. However, constant fighting can be tiring and draining. If you are looking for ways to put in the hard work to improve your marriage, improve communication, and reduce the fights, this article has all the information you need. If you need more guidance and support, Men’s Group is an online support group for men where you can join fellow married men and get advice on the most important man issues and about how to stop fighting with your wife.
*Sources: 1. I can't seem to stop arguing with my partner. What can we do? 2. How to Stop Fighting and Feel Close Again 3. Why You Pick Fights with Your Partner… and How to Stop 4. HELP! MY SPOUSE AND I CAN’T STOP FIGHTING! 5. Fight Fairly and Keep the Peace in Your Relationship