If you haven’t yet read Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller and you’re trying to learn how you or your partner deal with issues in your relationship or your daily life, then you would benefit from this book.
The book, Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller talks about an attachment theory that can affect adult relationships. The book has several quizzes that help the reader identify their attachment style as well as their partner.
Maybe you’re asking yourself, where do these attachment issues come from? There are countless ideas on how these styles come about. But attachment styles could most likely be formed by:
- Genetics and/or given at birth
- Through interacting with your parents (or being neglected by your parents)
- By life experience
The 4 Attachment Styles
The writers categorize the different attachment styles as secure, anxious, avoidant, and a less common fourth style with being fearful/disorganized. Here are some examples and a breakdown of the 4:
This attachment style is what everyone wants to aim for in a relationship. The person is relaxed, cares but not overly, and feels comfortable in their own skin. More examples include:
- Is comfortable and enjoys intimacy
- Is warm and loving
- Does well with supporting their partner
- Communicates effectively
- Admits when they are wrong but won’t let their partner walk all over them
Characteristic of someone with an anxious attachment style are:
- Wants to be very close to their partner
- Intuned with their partner’s mood
- Gets attached to people too fast
- The relationship can take a lot of energy for both people
- Can say things they regret
Someone with an anxious attachment type can also feel lonely when they are alone and needs constant reassurance to feel good in their relationship.
- Does not open up easily
- Does not seem to be affected by the relationship’s ups and downs
- Is uncomfortable with too much intimacy
- Puts their independence before their relationship
- Can be worried that the relationship is keeping them from happiness
Feeling suffocated is a common theme with the avoidant attachment type. This person can feel like their relationship is keeping them in a cage but as soon as the person leaves, they want the person back.
Disorganized or fearful
The fourth attachment type is also sometimes referred to as “disorganized” or fearful. Unfortunately, this style takes the worst qualities or the avoidant and anxious and is wrapped up into one. But luckily, the book explains that this attachment style is less frequent than the other 3. Around 4-5% of the population identifies as this attachment type.
People with this type of attachment most likely have had serious traumatic experiences or abuse in their childhood and/or adult life.
How to Navigate Your Attachment Style
There are ways to help you and your partner navigate the attachment styles that you two have such as:
Know your attachment
This book can help you identify what style you could have. Knowing your own strengths and weaknesses with the topic is the first step.
Know your partner’s attachment
Figure out what type of attachment your partner has. Unless you’re both “secure”, it will make you understand where most of your conflict stems from.
Find a partner that compliments you
If you are looking for a partner, try to identify what kind of attachment style the person could have and choose accordingly. You might naturally gravitate to a certain style but try to break the spell. Don’t be ashamed if your relationship just isn’t working and you need something different. You might want to check our article on how to survive a breakup with Russell Brand.
Try to change the negative
Understand your weaknesses and challenges and try to aim for a “secure” attachment style. Doing this can help your relationship feel relaxed and healthy.
Why Should You Read This Book?
Not only does this book walk you through the different attachment theories, but it also shows you how to navigate them and where the issues could have potentially been rooted from. If you are someone trying to learn more about yourself in relationships or learn more about your partner, this book would be beneficial to read.
Our Mensgroups Can Help
You could also check out one of our Men’s Group where we talk about how to navigate these attachment styles. Visit our website, mensgroup.com to learn more.